My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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