And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The beer is more important than you right now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
