So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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