I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
