Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
