Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
