whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
