It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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