how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
