Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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