I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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