She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
