Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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