i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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