I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
