I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
