Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
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