i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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