My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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