Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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