i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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