my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
