Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
