You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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