my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
