drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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