just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
