The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
