Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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