"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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