nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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