come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
