first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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