The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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