why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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