It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
