he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
