Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
