While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
