just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
