U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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