guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
