Pants 0. Shit 1.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
