i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
