4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
