some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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