I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
