You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
