i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
