I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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