We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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