My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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