So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
