Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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