ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
