remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
