Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I faked an abortion last night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
