The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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